


the taste of sleep

by berrybang



Series: and thus, my story ends. [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Panic Attack, as u can tell by the previous tags chan has a panic attack and describes it in Great Mf Detail, i don't want anyone of u to get hurt, pls don't read this if u're sensitive to this or have panic attacks urself okie bubbies :((, stay safe, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2020-01-01 02:15:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18326624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/berrybang/pseuds/berrybang
Summary: Chan is certain he's going to die.Alternatively titled, Bang Chan has a panic attack. (not clickbait, gone sexual!!!!!!!!!)





	the taste of sleep

**Author's Note:**

> send bang chan pics i am tired

Chan is sure he's going to die.

It's funny, actually. If he was able to breathe, maybe he would laugh at himself because this is so hilarious. Bang Chan, a strong leader of 8 kids, crying his eyes out on the bathroom floor of the studio. Because he's supposed to be strong and he's supposed to be able to do everything, right? Stray Kids' leader, a major in Science, dozens of metals in swimming, singer-songwriter-producer, he's not able to be weak. He can't be.

He knows he's stressed out of his mind, but he just wanted to go to the bathroom and cry a little bit. The second he got on the floor, a siren went off and now he can't even comprehend what's happening to his body, and he's so close to crying out to his mama.

He doesn't understand what's happening to his body, God he fucking wish he does. He knows the second he closes his eyes, he's going to die. Not that he thinks he's going to die — he knows he's going to die. He's so tired, he just wants to sleep, God please.

Combined with all of the heavy, frantic breaths escaping his body that makes his mouth dry, tears rolling down his face just of how much fear, how much fear and panic and the feeling of he's going to die and this fucking unmasked feeling laced in between all the bad and - he's sure he's going to die! He knows he's going to die!

No matter what he does when this is all over or when he shuts his eyes, he'll die! He's just so fucking sure he's going to die and it's such an overwhelming fear, fuck he meant feeling — that he's screaming. Even if he knows no one can hear him screaming, he clasps his hands over his mouth to shut himself up.

He is not the most religious person in the world, but he's praying to any God out there to help him. He doesn't even care that his hands are filthy and cold, he just wants to stop screaming because he's already so exhausted. 

He wants to place his hands on his chest, but he also wants to place them on his mouth and for fucks sake - he doesn't know what to do or where to go, or why his body and head are doing this to him! He just knows that he feels like the end of the world is near and he doesn't know what to do. He feels so overwhelmed and there's so much fear flowing through him — wait, is that redundant? That's redundant, right? Fuck, he's being annoying by being redundant!

He moves his body down to the floor so that his side is laying down. His screams die down so he moves his hand down to his chest again. He starts reminding himself to breathe — breathe in for 4 seconds, hold his breath for 7 seconds, and breathe out for 8 seconds, he repeats to himself.

Laying there on the floor, he tries to process what had just happened. All he knows is he feels like a filthy bunny that all the kids wanna touch and coo at and play with, but most importantly he feels like  _prey_.

His mind is still racing, even if his body is calm. His chest feels like there's a lot weighing it down, he feels super fulfilled in his chest but not in a good way. It's like somebody shoved this mix of toilet paper and sand paper in his chest after hyperventilating so much, and it's comforting in a weird way. But it's also in its own right, a reminder of what just overcame his body and that's.. pretty bad.

After feeling like a bunny when he's supposed to be a wolf, he forced himself to get off the floor. He gets in front of the lonely sink, and turns on the tap. His head is down, and he isn't really sure he wants to look at himself in the mirror. Though he still looks up at this stranger looking back at him, who claims that they're Chan, and it feels.. wrong.

His hair is pointing its locks in different directions, his face is puffy, his eyes red and there's a mixture of dried and fresh tear tracks, going off the side of his face but also down towards his neck. He's faced this Chan multiple times, so he's not a stranger to this other him, but he still feels scared.

Have you ever felt like you were an ocean?

Oceans are made of salt water, bad to the taste, too much is fatal. It gets stuck in your throat. It's pleasant to be in but uncovering the true depths is dangerous. Everyone wants to be in the ocean but no one wants to taste it.

Have you ever felt like you were an ocean trying to be kept inside a messenger bottle?

Oceans are big, and they have loud waves. They're bound to be noticed - oceans have sharks. Sharks kill people, right? Even if people kill sharks more often than the opposite. Everyone likes the ocean when it's quiet but no one likes it when it's loud, when it wants to be seen. Everyone's so much more comfortable when it shuts up, right?

Have you ever felt like shattering glass?

Glass is tight, compact, breaks easily. It's great to let your frustration out on by breaking it. Everyone wants to use it but no one wants it to cut them. No one wants the glass to draw blood.

Have you ever felt violated?

Violated as in you have so many walls around you and they're so high, and yet someone manages to be so much taller than them. They break through your walls but you don't want them to. Inside your walls it's so nice and yeah, sure it's a bit suffocating with little to no air but why should the tall person care? Who gave them the right to break inside?

Have you ever felt like a wall?

Walls are meant to protect. Actually, no the correct question is - have you ever felt like the outer wall? The one that is supposed to be the most sturdy. It's had the most time spent on. It has a purpose. Everyone likes walls but no one does when they're falling down, everyone just watches it fall and then they replace it.

Have you ever felt like you were an ocean?


End file.
